Ordinary Nothing

I posted this on a certain group/forum, as a part of some discussion
too
crazy (in a good way) to get into here, a few days ago. This is a
"proof" that witches are sweet and funny. Notice that this is about
your average fairytale evil witch, no relation no any sort of actual
wiccan religion.

Figured I might as well post this here. Very slightly edited to remove
personal references or things tied too closely to the discussion on the
group.

Warning: This is crazy even compared to my usual level…

Let’s start with the easy one – funny.

From the Merriam-Webster dictionary:

2 : differing from the ordinary in a suspicious, perplexing, quaint, or
eccentric way : PECULIAR — often used as a sentence modifier
<funny, things didn’t turn out the way we planned>
3 : involving trickery or deception <told his prisoner not to try anything funny>

Witches differ from the ordinary in suspicious, perplexing, quaint and
eccentric ways. Surely you’d agree, no? And involving trickery and
deception is certainly the modus operandi for any self-respecting
witch. And let me tell you, among those who respect any witch, there’s certainly herself.

Ergo, witches are funny. I really can’t see how you could put up any valid argument against it.

Now let’s go to the more complex bit, proving witches are sweet. Please try and follow.

First, the easiest bit, witches notoriously have a sweet tooth. They
are known for their attraction to all sweet food morsels, including
cakes, cookies, and everything that would contain copious amount of
chocolate. They eat more of those than is healthy, and the high blood
glucose level is in large part responsible for the tell-tale of the
trade, the large ugly warts. Every witch has those, but they are not
caused by evil (Evil has no dermatological effects by itself), but by
the endocrinical imbalance.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking "Aha! But I know many
people who eat too much candy, and yet were I to drink their blood it
would be salty, not sweet! So you must be mistaken!". But no, you would
be wrong. Let me explain:

Witches try to avoid water. It is a well known fact, established by
several well-published experiments (some may even be detailed in your
collection of fairytales), that witches might melt if exposed to a
sufficient amount of water. So far it’s quite simple, but you must be
wondering what does that have to do with being sweet, right?

Well, this involves a little bit of basic chemistry. I’m certain you’re
familiar with the concept of osmosis. As you well know, osmosis is the
process in which, if I’d oversimplify, a solvent may pass through a
membrane when on one side the solvent is present with a higher
concentration of solute. Translated: If you’d add salt to a witch’s
blood, at some point the salt concentration will be high enough that
water from the air (and the air is full of water vapour) will be pushed
by the osmotic pressure into the witch. The witch’s skin, and blood,
will be exposed to more and more water.
And as I mentioned, we all know what happened to a moist witch. Not a pretty sight, let me tell you.

So while empirical data about exact dietary habits of witches is
minimal, we can safely assume witches try to eat as little salt as
possible. So the blood of an average witch, if drank, will not be salty.

But it will also not be plain bland. All this sugar we talked about, remember?

The end result is clear. Theory concludes that witches must be sweet.
Any other option doesn’t make much theoretical sense, and this model
will be adhered to unless some contrary experimental data could be
provided. And even if the data is contrary, which it’s probably isn’t,
the witches are reluctant to share, and we’re forced to stay with the
existing theory.

So witches in general are sweet and funny. QED (That, for everyone who
was forced to write this during planar geometry lessons at school and
have no idea why, is Quod Erat Demonstrandum in Latin, and very roughly mean "what we wanted to prove". Just FYI).

So there you have it.

February 14th, 2005 at 15:49 EET | Categories: Humour, Miscellaneous | Track comments. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.